J got a pistol in my pocket
j and baby you can cock it
j put your finger on the trigger
j feel it getting bigger
j move a little closer, let me stick it in your holster
j let's do it
j shoot my bullet
j got a pistol in my pocket
j and baby you can cock it
j it's got a 12-inch bang
j but you can make it ring
j blow me away, just give me a yank and let's do it
j shoot my bullet
j will you blow up in my levis
j you can feel my smokin' .45
j got a pistol in my pocket
j and baby you can cock it
j straight from undercover, but don't show it to mother
j looking for a stretcher, blow my ammunition away!
J ooh, let's do it
j bite my bullet
j well, you better start strippin'
j or you're gonna get a pistol whippin'
Well, miss Devonshire, you must be awfully proud
of the fact that one of your prize students, didi,
has graduated from the academy with honors.
Now she's been promoted up the force,
out of the academy, out of basic training.
Oh, my hair, uh, good for her!
Excuse me.
Uh, parole hearing is in there, miss.
Uh no, I'm didi's sister, candy.
That's right, she just transferred here
this morning, didn't you?
And you must be miss Devonshire.
I'm so excited to meet you.
And I'm really looking forward to working my way
up the ladder here.
Didi's sister.
Well, that would explain it, why you're dressed like that.
You're undercover as a hooker.
Uh, no, I've got a date.
Someone give that man a citation for all that racket!
Oh, he's here, I gotta go, bye!
Bye.
Oh, miss Devonshire, I have some paperwork
I'd like you organize for me if you wouldn't mind.
You might just check for punctuation,
spelling, grammar, you know.
While you're at it, why don't you, well,
just go ahead and retype the whole mess, okay?
And you need this by when, sir?
Oh, I suppose first thing tomorrow morning is soon enough.
You know, you might also spice it up, give it a couple
of your witty anecdotes here and there, all right?
Oh, yeah, sir.
Oh, miss Devonshire, by the way, what have you heard
about that prisoner that Holly's been watching?
Nothing yet, sir, but I'm sure she'll inform us
as soon as she learns anything at all.
Good, good, good, well, let's just hope
that the things I've heard about prison are only rumors.
Look, there she is!
- Whoo! - Yeah, all right!
Get away from me.
I mean it, get away from Mel!
Stop, no, don't, I mean it, don't, no!
No, don't, no.
Get away from me, get away from me!
For the last time,
It's your turn to sweep up tonight.
Okay, scum, break it up!
Oh, whoo, yeah!
All right, time to get back in your cells!
Yeah, you better watch that group.
They're known around here as the rotten apples.
They're good for nothin'l
that's anything.
I'm telling you, it was just like stabbing a pillow.
Listen, if I were you, I'd keep my voice down.
I heard a woman who got convicted
for something she told her cellmate.
Yeah, and where's her cellmate now?
Would you shut up in there?
Yeah, and what's it to you?
Did I ever tell you about my last cellmate?
I have this problem, I always hurt the person that I love.
Oh, save it for later!
If I was to break out of here tonight,
would you come with me?
What are you blabbering about now?
You heard me, are you coming or not?
I don't think it's a very good idea.
Just watch and see.
Guard, guard, come quick!
Who rattled your cage?
Listen, I need to make an urgent phone call.
You and everyone else.
No listen, listen, I'm a vice cop!
You're what, you're what?
Nothing, nothing.
Guard, come quick, there's someone choking in here!
What are you talking about, there's nobody choking.
Oh, no?
Guard, wait, come back!
Oh, watching you like this gets me all hot and bothered.
Oh, get off of me!
What in the hell's going on here?
I don't know, why don't you get a look at her?
You okay?
That's one down, now who's ready to go?
Oh, playing hard to get again.
These two are having too much fun, let 'em be.
Hey, you!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
All right, you girls have exactly five seconds
to quit what you're doing and get back to your cells.
Anyone left in the hallways will be severely penalized.
Eat lead!
I think we should go back.
Oh, shut up and follow me!
Thanks, I couldn't have done it without you.
Don't mention it.
Hey, stay right where you are!
Eat my dust!
Jeez, I don't know how you do it.
You're right on time!
We need money fast.
A bank teller machine.
You've gotta be kidding.
Come back here with that newspaper
or I'll make a citizen's arrest!
Oh, I hope I'm not late for the home shopping club.
Keep it down in there!
Don't you know this is a family building?
Honestly.
Don't I do enough while I am at work?
A nice hot cup of coffee should sooth my nerves,
then I can type this report and make my lunch for tomorrow.
Oh!
Out of milk again, wouldn't you know it.
Hi, it's me, fantasia.
You would not believe the day I just had.
That man I work for could drive anybody crazy.
That's nice.
Uh, where do you keep the milk?
No, wait, the half-and-half.
In the back case.
Thanks, oh, and where do you keep the knee-high stockings?
Over there next to the condoms.
Thank you.
Perfect, just the place.
Give me your coat.
Here you go.
Okay, I think I'm ready to make a large withdrawal.
Well, that should do it.
Oh, let me get a copy of today's paper.
Now, I want you to give...
Excuse me, miss, I was here first!
This will only take a minute.
You will have to wait your turn.
Listen, I'm first!
My mistake.
Now you listen carefully.
Yeah?
I want you to empty out the cash register
and put it in a paper bag.
Yeah, yeah, uh, whatever you say.
And a bottle of wine that'll give me a good buzz.
And don't give me no trouble.
You fool, I told you not to try anything!
Look, I hope they lock you up and throw away the key.
Why, youl!
Now remember, first I handcuff you, you start to struggle,
then I go for the nightstick.
Got it.
Resisting arrest, huh?
Looks like you're gonna have to learn
about the long arm of the law.
Attention, a liquor store robbery
has been reported tujunga and ahora park.
All officers in the area report at once.
The robber is suspected to be armed.
What the, that's just around the corner from here!
I'll be right there.
Wait, come back!
Hey, where's my wine?
Good, now, if I get out of here
without any more trouble, nobody's gonna get hurt.
None from Mel
oh, it's your turn now, miss.
Oh, thank you.
Nobody move!
- Oh no! - Huh?
Vice cop, what's the problem here?
No problem here.
You, see I'm robbing this store and I got me a hostage.
Miss Devonshire!
You two know each other?
Oh, for god sakes, candy, go back to your date
and let this woman make a run for it.
Lady, you're coming with me right now!
Oh, please, we'll let you go.
The hell we will, you've got five seconds to let her go.
Make me!
Quick, candy, what was your last score
on the firing range?
Was it one out of six?
Zero out of six.
Oh god!
Ahh!
Ms. Devonshire, are you alright?
Candy, when will you ever learn
proper police procedure?
Miss, this is yours.
Wait'll they get a load of me now!
You know Ms. Devonshire,
are you absolutely certain you're up to this?
If you're not I can certainly
conduct the ceremony.
I know it's a traumatizing thing
being taken hostage.
Shut up!
This is just what I need.
Alright, everybody get your
butts outside for the field day competition pronto!
Field day, great.
We were supposed to go to chapel today.
Thank you all for attending the annual
vice officers versus the prisoners field day event.
This year the commissioner and I
will be your judges.
Now let the competition begin.
And remember, any prisoner winning her event
receives a five day work furlough program.
Ms. Devonshire, the inmate
you asked me to keep an eye on?
She escaped last night.
I tried to call you...
I know she escaped, you idiot.
I was the one who,
someone's watching us.
Now just a minute!
This is the vice officer's refreshment table.
Give me that hose!
Wait your turn!
This is your refreshment table.
Oh Holly!
I have something very important
I want you to do at today's event.
Really?
Yes.
Do you want me to be a commentator?
No, no, I want you to wear the helmet cam.
Perfect.
Now our first event is just a minute.
Hurry up peeling those potatoes,
we need these sacks for the race.
As I was saying,
our first event is the sack race.
Is everybody at the starting point?
Woooo!
Great job, Kim!
And in the first event that's
vice academy 10 points!
Prisoners, aw, a big goose egg.
Congratulations.
Thank youl!
I heard you were a pro in the sack.
Why you
oh no no no, now girls, break it up now,
it's just a competition!
Oh, Holly, careful with that helmet cam.
It's very expensive.
Now let's check that scoreboard one more time.
Oh my!
It looks like the prisoners aren't
trying very hard.
And the next event is charades!
Come on, come on, we're up next.
Okay, look in the envelope.
Good one.
Daisies?
Oh, is it picking flowers?
Very good!
Congratulations, and if you win this event
you are eligible for the five day
work furlough program.
Come on girls, come on, come on!
Chop chop!
Okay, open your envelopes.
Hey, dowe get to use props for this?
Oh surely.
What the hell, dude?
What are you doing?
Is it beaten with a baseball bat?
No, I'm sorry that was
beaten senseless with a baseball bat.
No points.
I know you had something to do with this.
Whatever do you mean?
You know I have had just about enough of you...
Come on, Holly, Holly!
Come on, they're waiting for you.
The next one is a bullwhip breaking skin.
No, no, I'm not doing it!
What's going on here?
Holly is being a party pooper.
Oh she is?
Are you sure you're okay?
I think you ought to try to bleach this color out.
Don't worry about it.
I think it looks hot on you.
Later.
This stuff doesn't even give
me a buzz anymore.
You got everything ready?
Yeah, I brought the unmarked
car just like you said.
Get in, this is your chance of a lifetime!
Melanie, is that you?
That's me alright, but from now on
call me malathion!
What happened to you?
Are you coming or not?
With you?
No, you're crazy.
Suit yourself!
How could something like this happen?
Who was that?
That was my cellmate Melanie.
She says her new name now is melathion.
Yeah, that's Melanie, I know, I watched her.
Yeah, another job well done.
That cheap wine, I would recognize that anywhere.
That was the woman who held
me hostage last night!
Are you sure?
She didn't look so new wave last night.
Well she's obviously done something
to disguise her appearance.
I don't think green is her color.
Excuse me, miss oh, what was your name?
Me?
Samantha.
Tell me, why didn't you go with her?
Because sir, I won the work furlough program
and I didn't want to lose it.
Well that's damn commendable!
Of course you'll have some explaining to do.
Yes Holly, you will, you let that woman escape
from prison, and you candy did
nothing to stop her rampage.
I was speaking to you, Ms. Devonshire.
Me?!
Yes!
It was your idea to have this whole damn
field event day!
If you hadn't rile those poor prisoners
they would have never escaped!
Let's just hope that your girls catch them
before they do any serious damage, eh?
Yes, sir!
Does this mean that I'm back on active duty?
Yes, Holly.
Let's do it!
Does this mean you're cop?
You used Mel
oh please.
Yes, very commendable, malanta.
Samantha, sir.
Right.
Now we have to find you some
suitable place of work.
Any particular line of work
you'd like to pursue?
When I was in grammar school
I studied dance.
Here's a position for a topless waitress, sir.
Ms. Devonshire, I hardly think
that would be appropriate.
Oh, when I was in high school
I studied acting.
Here's a job opening for a phone sex operator.
I really like to sing.
Here it is.
The perfect job.
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,
Can you tell me where Izzie is?
I'm trying to dance here.
Yeah, I can see you're trying to dance.
I'm trying to ask you a question.
What are you dressed up as?
What does it look like?
I'm a clown, you got it?
Yeah, I got it.
Izzie's over there.
Thanks.
Are you Izzie?
Yeah babe, that's me.
For some reason I pictured
Izzie to be a little boy.
Wrong, I'm Izzie.
What do you want?
Well Izzie, I have a telegram.
A telegram for me?
You got to be kidding.
No.
I know today's your birthday,
it's a very special day,
and I want to send this message
hope things go your way.
This is too much.
Now you made me lose my place.
Aw, I'm sorry.
I want to send this message
to hope things go your way,
now you're one year older
and you're still dear to me.
Hey hey, go finish your dance over there!
Listen, you interrupt my song one more time
I'm going to carve these lyrics on your body.
You got it?
Yes, ma'am, finish your song.
Good.
So now you're one year older,
and you're still dear to me,
hope your day is joyous,
and happy as can be.
Love, your mother.
Thank you, that was beautiful.
You're welcome.
You got a bathroom here?
It's in the back.
Thanks.
That's Izzie's kind of woman.
Alright, nobody move!
You behind the counter,
start emptying out that register.
Hey, it's my birthday, give me a break!
Do it, birthday boy!
Quick, get me the police!
Alright, everybody else, empty those pockets!
Give me all your belongings!
Come on honey, reach for it!
I want it all, I want the loose change too!
I hope you fry in the chair.
Check if there's anyone in back.
Gimme the gun!
Mirana, what's going on back there?
Police!
Don't move! - What the?
We got here as soon as we could.
Looks like you're a little late.
Oh.
You!
Get out of her, sour grape.
That's rotten apple.
I called you as soon as I heard
the robbery taking place.
I caught this one in the back.
Nice job, Samantha.
Thanks.
Don't worry, I got this under control.
You know Ms. Devonshire,
I think you've got this girl pegged out all wrong.
I think there's a positive
future for her in vice enforcement.
Yes sir, I guess my career
choice came in handy.
You know Ms. Devonshire,
she's going to need a place to stay
for the next few days.
Would you mind if she bunks in with you?
But sir, my place is rather small as it is.
Oh I'm sure she won't mind at all.
Thank you.
I did help bring the prisoners in.
At least two of those bruised peaches
are behind bars now.
That's rotten apples.
Whatever.
Now look what I've got.
This is the tape from the surveillance camera
in the liquor store.
Should we look at it?
You would not believe the day I just had.
That man I work for
could drive anybody crazy.
That's nice.
Uh, that's crazy with dedication, sir.
No, wait, the half and half.
Well that should do it.
Oh, let me get a copy of today's paper.
Well look, there she is now,
there's that troublemaker.
Yeah, look, she still has
her prison uniform on.
Yeah, didn't that strike you as
rather odd, Ms. Devonshire?
Uh, no, it didn't.
Hmmm.
Excuse me, miss.
I was here first.
This'll only take a minute.
You will have to wait your turn!
Listen, I'm first!
That woman is clearly concealing a gun
underneath her coat,
now did anybody notice that?
Um, no, didn't.
Now you listen carefully,
I want you to empty out the cash register
and put it in a paper bag.
Yeah, whatever you say.
And a bottle of wine that'll
give me a good buzz.
Don't give me no trouble.
You fool!
Look, here comes my part.
Oh, it's your turn now, miss.
Thank you.
Nobody move!
Oh no!
You know candy, you look
about 20 pounds heavier on screen.
Yeah, well if you would've been watching,
that woman, she wouldn't have
broken out of prison.
Girls, 1 am trying to watch the tape!
Lady, you're coming with me now!
Oh please, we'll let you go!
The hell we will!
You've got 5 seconds to let her go!
Make Mel!
Quick candy, what was your
last score on the firing range?
Was it one out of six?
Zero out of six.
Zero out of six?!
I thought you said she had
a perfect score, Ms. Devonshire!
Did I?
Well you
I've seen enough.
Ms. Devonshire, you and your girls
are taken off active duty
as of immediately.
Tomorrow morning you can report
to the filing department.
That is all!
I'll see you in the morning, sambuka.
Uh, Samantha, sir.
Yes.
Ms. Devonshire, how long
is that work furlough program?
Five days.
Good.
I can put a stop to it in less time than that.
So Samantha, now that you're on the force
I guess you can join us
for our little girl's night out.
Oh gee, I don't know,
I got all this training to do.
Nonsense, we'll be ready at seven o'clock,
we'll pick you up then.
Did we have to come here?
It's part of our little tradition.
What tradition?
Shut up, candy!
We're here to have a good time.
Bartender, drinks for me and my friends!
Excuse me, I've had a little
too much to drink.
Can you help me to my seat?
Sure.
You're right, you have had too much to drink.
So...
So what'll it be tonight, ladies?
The usual.
Well since I've never seen you in here before
the usual what?
You're funny.
Hello, Izzie.
Oh, not you again.
Whatever you babes are drinking,
it's on Izzie.
Now that's more like it,
we need four shot glasses
and a bottle of your finest liquor.
Yes, ma'am, coming right up.
Now that's service.
So tell us about yourself, Melanie.
It's Samantha.
Whatever.
Anyway, I started out as...
Oop, our shot glasses are here.
Let's have a toast.
A toast to our futures.
Happy future.
Happy future!
Come on, you're not drinking.
Yeah, I know,
I have to be up early in the morning.
Oh it's early now.
Well I hate to drink alone.
You're not alonel
Hey now, isn't this cozy?
Samantha, what were you saying
about yourself before?
Oh, I started to say that...
Oh candy, stop interrupting.
We're about to have a drink.
One more round!
That really hit the spot.
Excuse me, ladies.
Hi there.
Hey sailor, out on a weekend pass?
I beg your pardon?
You don't have to beg for me, baby.
Let me be your port in the storm.
So Samantha, tell me what you do with your time.
Well recently I spent most of
my time in prison.
Guess I started hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Where were you in prison?
In the cell next to you.
Now these are the two I was telling you about.
This one's candy, Holly.
- I'm candy. - I'm Holly.
Nice to meet 'cha!
Say, I was thinking.
We could all get a little sneaky peaky
and head back to my place, huh?
The more the merrier.
Ms. Devonshire, with all due respect,
you hardly know these men.
Keep your jealousy to yourself.
This one's mine!
Which one's mine?
Take your pick, I got dibs on this guy.
Well, I have to go.
Bye.
Party pooper!
I hear you can rent a room
in the back here.
Why would I want to rent a room?
I've already got an apartment.
I think I love you.
What's your name?
I want to have it tattooed across my chest.
Griselda.
Hey!
Another round here!
Alright, I think you
broads have had enough for tonight.
Hey, that is no way to
speak to my friends, pal!
Ah, right on time.
A fine way to start your
first day at work, Miranda.
Uh, Samantha, sir, thank you.
Sit down.
Now I hope that Ms. Devonshire
didn't mind having you stay with her last night.
Uh, actually sir, she didn't come home last night.
Really?
Doesn't seem like Ms. Devonshire at all.
Well anyway, I want you to tell me
everything you can about this malathion woman.
Anything you can do to help us capture her.
Well I know that she's very
excuse me.
Yello?
What?
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Excuse me.
It's your fault that this happened.
Will you stop yelling?
I've got a splitting migraine.
Feeling at home again while we're in here?
You know you just better watch it.
You tell her, hunny!
You shut up!
Oh commissioner, I am so glad you are here.
What happened to you two?
Just get us out of here.
Get me a key for this door!
Yes, sir.
I don't know where
I'd been the night before
but I had a fresh tattoo to show for it.
Ms. Devonshire, honestly.
Honestly.
Ms. Devonshire, I had no idea
that by taking you off active duty
there'd be so much damage done.
No sir, I mean yes, sir,
I mean please please please
put me back on active duty now.
Please don't put me through
another night of this misery.
Please don't beg.
The answer's no.
Because this is going to be a
black Mark on the vice academy records
and I read:
"Lewd and disorderly conduct,
"drunken brawling,
"resisting arrest?!"
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know how my girls could have done all that.
Your girls?
This is your file!
Oh
Got the key?
Get back in there.
Yes.
We're almost out of cash
from that liquor store holdup.
You got any ideas for any quick cash?
You just watch me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Yeah?
Hand over your purse!
I beg your pardon?
I said give me your purse!
Leave me alone!
Don't make me use this.
Somebody help me, I've been robbed!
Calm down, ma'am.
Somebody stole my purse!
Me too!
She sprayed me right in the face!
Okay, let me get this down.
Somebody stole my purse!
What is going on here?
All these women have been robbed.
Yes, she took everything I had!
All my belongings!
Me too!
Just calm down, calm down.
Do you have your sketch pad, officer?
Yes sir, right here, sir.
You think you can identify this person?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Well good good, I don't know who's
responsible for this, but we've got to stop them!
Particularly before the press gets this story.
Green hair.
Green, much more green.
- Bigger head. - Attitude.
- Now bigger hair. - And attitude, attitude.
Yeah.
Yes, that's her,
she's the one who robbed me
with a can of hair spray.
She's a threat to the community
and the environment.
Great take!
I can't remember having this much fun.
I think I'm gonna buy me a fur coat.
You know, seeing all this
money gets me hot!
You don't say!
Whoop!
You should have seen it.
It was awful!
What are you talking about?
We were waiting in the car
while Rosie and Loretta
were holding up the seedy bar.
They were barely inside
when the cop shows up and nabs them both!
What?!
Did you get any of the cash from them?
Are you kidding?
We were lucky to get out of there!
Who could be onto us already?
Some cop dressed up like a clown.
You ask me, it's a pretty good cover.
Well no one's asking you.
Hey, look at this.
A former prison inmate,
who is now on the force,
a pair of the escaped convicts
right in the middle of a holdup
and she did it while dressed as a clown.
What, let me see that!
Why that little, that's Samantha,
she used to be my cellmate.
Your cellmate?
I should have strangled her
while I had the chance.
I can't believe this!
Well what do you want
us to do about it?
I'll take care of her.
And the rest of that worthless vice squad!
Hello?
Oh, he's here now?
Oh good, good, I'll be right there.
Holly, candy, come with me.
There's someone I want you to meet.
I've decided I'm going to call in a specialist
to help us with our situation.
Professor kaufinger.
Professor kaufinger?
Yes, he's gonna study the effects
of insects spraying right here in our police lab.
Maybe he can tell us what possesses
this malathion woman.
Course he's going to need a good assistant,
so which one of you wants to volunteer?
Gosh, it's really tempting, but
putting your filing system in order
is something I would really hate to miss out on.
Now girls, girls, girls,
he only needs one of you, come on.
Candy, congratulations, you beat me to it.
Hey wait a minute!
Hello, commissioner.
Sorry I'm late, I just finished
my workout at the gym.
You're professor kaufinger?
Yes I am.
Are you going to be my assistant?
Uh, no.
I'm your assistant.
My name's candy.
Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go change.
Meet me at the lab in a few minutes.
I'll be right there.
Well as you were.
Listen candy, I've reconsidered.
I'll take the job.
The hell you will!
The hell I won't!
Candy, I really see no reason why we
Excuse me.
Would you mind closing the door?
I've decided that I'd like
to be your lab assistant also.
Fine, there's an extra lab coat in the back.
Thank you.
I didn't want to spill anything
on my clothes.
I see.
I didn't want to spill
anything on my clothes.
Excuse us.
Listen, you conniving hussy,
what do you think you're up to?
I'm going to be his assistant.
Yeah, well he's way out of your league.
What do you mean by that?!
He's good looking and a professional!
Girls, I'm waiting.
Coming!
Could one of you get a beaker over there?
Certainly.
I'l do it!
Give me that, you don't even
know what a beaker looks like!
Here you go!
Thank you.
My name is Holly, I didn't catch your first name.
Nice to meet you, I'm dirk.
Dirk, you know that name really suits you.
I took several chemistry tests in school.
They should prove to be valuable today.
Yeah, and I took lots of tests also.
Candy, we don't want to hear about
your trips to the free clinic.
Girls, could you get me a sample
of the malathion solution,
it's in the corner over there.
I'll get it!
I can handle this one myself, candy!
I already have it!
And be careful with it, it's highly toxic.
If you say so.
Thank you.
Next I need...
I'll get it!
Okay, candy you get me
the culture dishes over there
and Holly, you get me the bunsen burner.
Good as done!
Do you see the culture dishes?
It's probably right under your nose,
but you just don't see it!
Hey!
Here you go.
Are you ready to light my fire?
Pardon me?
Listen dirk, this chemistry stuff is for kids.
Let's get down to some real experimenting.
Somehow I fail to grasp
what you're trying to say.
Here, let me make myself clear.
Be careful, these chemicals
are highly volatile when they're incensed.
Yeah, well so am I.
Here's the dish.
Honestly candy, can't you see we're busy?
He was just about to light my fire.
Oh really?
Listen dirk, if anybody's about
to get their fire lit, it better be me.
I'm the one who volunteered
to be your stupid assistant!
If anybody's going to be your stupid assistant,
it's going to be Mel!
Girls, why don't you flip a coin over it?
Fine!
I get tails.
Oh Amanda!
Uh, it's Samantha, sir.
Could you please mail this for me?
It's very important.
Right away, sir.
Keep your mouth shut
and you won't get hurt.
We need to talk.
Well I don't have anything to say to you.
From what I understand,
you stopped a robbery yesterday.
That was money I was going
to get a cut out of.
Look, I have my own job now,
I don't care what differences we have.
I'm not asking you to leave your job.
I like where you are right now.
So what are you saying?
What are they paying you for all this work?
Right now nothing,
I'm in this training program.
I don't believe in training programs.
How would you like to be working for me
and getting paid for it?
I'm not going to quit my job for you!
No one's asking you to quit.
I'll pay you to stay on the force.
Just overlook any of my crimes that you see.
Forget it, I'm not going to be in the take.
You're a fool, Samantha.
Yeah, you really want to live
on minimum wage salary?
Think it over.
I'll be in touch.
Excuse us for just a moment.
This better be good.
I finally have it,
our one way ticket back on the force.
I just saw Samantha outside with malathion.
She's on the take.
What?
If you saw malathion,
why didn't you try and catch her?
Candy, you are always thinking so small.
Now that we know that Samantha's
working on the other side,
it'll be easy to get her kicked off the force
and get malathion at the same time.
But Samantha seems so nice.
Candy, this is your biggest problem.
You're always looking for the good in people.
Why can't you be more like me?
I still think you're wrong.
Fine, then I'll take the credit
when I expose her.
Ah, did you mail that letter for me?
Yes I did, sir.
May I ask you a question?
Certainly, what is it?
I was wondering, am I gonna get paid
for any of training that I'm doing?
Well I'm sure you understand
that there is no pay for the training program.
Yeah, I was afraid of that.
Let's say after the training is completed.
Well I suppose we can give you
a starting salary.
And of course if you show a good enough performance
then you'll get a raise in six months.
Ms. Devonshire, how long have
you been on the force?
12 years, sir.
12 of the longest, best,
and more rewarding years of my life.
And how much do you get paid?
$4.60 an hour.
Now we can start you at $4.00 an hour.
How does that sound?
And think of all the incentive
someone like Ms. Devonshire could be to you.
You know I like you, Sabrina.
I'm gonna give you $5.00 an hour.
$5.00 an hour?!
Be quiet, Ms. Devonshire!
How does that sound?
And think of all the benefits you get.
Do you know that if you get shot in the line of duty,
we pay all your hospital bills?
And if you happen to get killed in the line of duty,
well then you really rake it in.
Makes you have to really take a
good long look at that future in vice enforcement.
I just hope you're right about Samantha.
Wait a minute, I still need an assistant.
Oh go play with your beaker!
Attention, a robbery in progress
has been spotted at the recycling center
at coanga and lakerscum.
All available officers report at once.
The suspects are reported to be armed.
The recycling center!
Why those are the people that give us that money
for the field day competition every year.
Do we have any spare officers we can send out?
No sir, they're all on duty.
Ahh, candy, Holly, I'm putting you back
On active duty as of now.
Thank you, sir!
You won't regret it.
What about me?
I've got something very important
for you to do too, Ms. Devonshire.
Get back in my office
and start collating my drawers.
Hey, did you hear that?
We're back on the force!
Will you give me back my gun?
I hope you've had time to clean it.
That's not my gun.
You know, there's this chrome job
I've really been...
Oh and girls.
I'd like you take Samantha along with you,
I think the experience will do her some good.
Get her an extra gun, alright?
Samantha, oh, very good!
Good luck, vice trainee.
Thank you, sir.
Alright, just follow me
and do as I say.
Who put you in charge?
Who else would you
rather have be in charge?
Alright.
Alright, we'll spread out and try and find them.
Hurry up, we've been in here long enough.
Keep your shirt on, we're almost finished.
You got everything?
Yeah, all cleaned out.
Alright, hold it right there!
It's only Samantha.
Yeah, you scared us!
We thought you were a real cop.
Well I am gonna be a real cop
and I'm taking you two in with me!
Oh please, didn't you like
what malathion had to offer you?
Are you kidding, that woman's crazy.
No, you're the crazy one.
How much you getting paid to be on the force?
$5.00 an hour.
You've got to be kidding.
But I bet if I take you two in I'll get a bonus.
You want a bonus?
How does this look to you?
What do you say?
This is more than you'll make
in 10 years on the force.
And this is your cut just for one day's job.
Forget it.
I'm taking you two in.
You're a fool, Samantha.
Always have been, always will be.
Freeze!
You're all under arrest!
Look, now they got away!
Hurry, we're almost out of here!
I can't believe this, I had them!
You know this was all part of your
plan to let them get away.
What plan?
Read about it in my report.
So you think Samantha helped you get away?
Well she wasn't going to at first.
Yeah, but showing her a wad of bills
made her come to her senses.
I thought she'd come around.
I'm a woman of my word,
see to it she gets her cut.
Will do.
Things should go real smooth
with her on the force now.
These are some very serious accusations
you've made about Samantha.
Every bit of it's true.
Ask her for yourself.
Just watch this.
Samantha, have a word with you?
Why certainly, sir.
I've heard some rather
disturbing news, Samantha.
I heard that malathion offered you
a bribe to help assist her in her crimes.
Is it true?
Well yes, but I didn't...
Why didn't you tell me, Samantha?
Because I didn't go along with it.
I had already caught two members in her group
and I almost had the other two.
Ah, but you didn't catch them,
you let them get away, huh?
I didn't let them get away!
Sorry it had to end this way.
Clean out your locker, Samantha.
Effective immediately, you're off
the training program officially.
What?
That's right, tomorrow you can go back to prison
and live out the remainder of your sentence.
Tonight, you can stay in a holding tank.
But, but I didn't do anything!
I'm innocent!
And to think, I was going to
pay her $5.00 an hour.
What did I tell you?
And I did it with one day to spare.
That was really a rotten thing to do.
Oh shut up, I'm not gonna lose my job
to some crash course ex con.
Ms. Devonshire, aren't you gonna
do anything about this?
Well he was gonna pay her more than I get.
Samantha?
I'm really sorry about what happened.
If there's anything I can do...
Don't worry about it, it wasn't your fault.
I did enjoy working with you.
Thanks.
I really wanted to have a job
waiting for me when I got out of prison.
I guess I ruined all my chances of that, huh?
Aw, don't think like that.
You'll have plenty of opportunities.
Yeah, guess I should just
stick to what I know best.
I meant what I said
about helping you if you need it.
Really?
Thanks.
"Here's the money I promised you
"for helping me out.
"Good work!
"Melathion."
I've got it!
An anti-melathion formula.
Good work!
And not a moment too soon.
I guess having me as a lab assistant
really helped.
Yeah, right.
Now all we need is a plan
to get her out of hiding, right?
Something so tempting, so tempting,
that she won't possibly be able to resist.
Hello, I'm Ms. Devonshire
and this afternoon the police station
is sponsoring an earth day celebration.
Now all refreshments will be served
on biodegradable plates and there will be
an entertaining lecture on recycling.
And all cars are welcomed for a free smog check.
Admission to this event is simply
the donation of a piece of recyclable material.
All proceeds will go to the
policemen's pension fund.
There will be plenty of food and drink for all
and remember, there will be a drawing
for a large sum of money.
Got that?
A large, unguarded,
out in the open sum of money.
I can't stand it anymore!
Rev up the car, we've got a party to crash!
Now let's turn to our community segment,
something I like to call Devonshire's corner.
Why we'll address topics of interest to me.
Topics like corporal punishment,
the death penalty, interrogation techniques.
Oh, I'm getting rather excited now.
As a matter of fact my first
we're off the air, miss.
Well good work, Ms. Devonshire!
Very convincing, huh?
I particularly liked the part about the death penalty.
Oh, thank you.
What a great ideal
an event for conservation!
It's about time.
This is not a real event!
It is intended to lure malathion out of hiding.
When she hears this she will not be able
to resist showing up and this time
we will be ready.
Oh, so we don't really have to
bring anything recyclable to get in.
Oh yes you do!
I want everything to be as realistic as possible,
particularly the part about the drawing of the money.
Just how realistic do you intend to be, sir?
Well I've got a great idea.
What we're gonna is
I'm gonna cash all the checks
of everybody on the force
and I'm gonna use that money as bait!
As soon as malathion sees that money
why she's just got to go for it!
What about your paycheck, sir?
Nah, your paychecks will be plenty.
Our paychecks?
And what if she gets away with them?
Well it'll give you a greater
incentive to catch her, won't it?
Come on, Ms. Devonshire,
there's work to be done.
This is the most disgusting
group of people I've ever seen.
Ms. Devonshire, be nice.
These are our guests.
Let's just hope they don't take anything.
Welcome!
We don't burn our bras anymore.
We make them into quilts.
Very commendable.
Phew!
Our beamer's the red one.
Make sure you have
our smog device checked, alright?
What, of course.
Now that's what I call recyclable waste.
I cleaned up the parking lot
as I collected these cans.
Oh, very good!
Every little bit helps.
I'm afraid that you've missed the whole point, dear.
What did I do?
Honestly Holly,
I can't believe you'd wear
a fur coat to an event like this.
Yeah, well I just wanted to look my best
which is more than I can say for you.
I was cleaning up trash in the parking lot.
Well I suppose someone has to do it.
Hey look, free food!
Of course we only eat vegetarian.
Mmmm, this is delicious.
What is it?
Pig's feet.
What?
Ah ah ah ah, girls, girls, don't touch that food,
that's for the guests!
Now here, here's for your cover.
Put those on and I'll explain
your position after you've changed.
You know, I feel some really bad Karma.
Excuse me, officer.
Yes, ma'am?
I wonder if you could help me out.
I seem to be having trouble
distinguishing between aluminum cans and tin cans.
Could you come out to my car and help me?
Certainly, miss.
Thank youl!
Hey!
Hurry up, we haven't got much time!
Oh Ms. Devonshire,
someone threw up on that
refreshment table over there.
Get that cleaned up, will you?
Here, use that.
Thank you.
Come on!
Excellent cause.
Oh, now look at that!
Someone stiffed us with a tin can!
What do you think the commissioner
had in mind when he picked out these outfits?
I don't know.
These outfits are fully recyclable.
Maybe we're supposed to be
the opening act for the show!
That makes sense!
We're dressed in theme.
Come on, let's go!
Pony!
Watusi!
Yeah, it's better than Woodstock.
Do the swim!
Stop that!
Okay, settle down everyone, settle down now.
What in the h-e-double hockey sticks
do you two think you're doing?
This is supposed to be a family event!
But I thought you wanted us
to entertain the audience!
Why would you think I would
want you to do a thing like that?
What I want you to do
is get inside these two bins
of recyclable waste!
These outfits are gonna conceal you.
What?
I'm not getting inside of a trash can.
Look look look, see, that's the money
that we're using as bait, right?
Now this is as close as I can get you to the money
and still keep you hidden.
Now we want to get the
come on.
Alright.
Good work, good work.
This is the most disgusting thing
I've ever done on duty.
Of course, you won't want to
forget your guns either.
Here you go.
Ow!
Sorry.
I can still see you.
Here we go, how's that.
There, oh this is perfect!
Now don't move and don't say a word.
Oh no, I think I have an itch.
Fine, that's better.
Now the right.
Phew, ready sir?
All set.
Welcome to our little earth day celebration.
Now is everybody having fun?
Hey, oh, now we don't want to get ugly here.
I'm Ms. Devonshire,
your hostess for this afternoon.
Let's get down to business.
Do you recycle?
Yeah!
Yes, yeah!
Do you care about the deterioration
of the ozone layer?
Yes!
Do you care about the quality
of the air that you breathe?
Yeah!
Yes!
Do you care about the water that you drink?
Yeah!
Yes!
Yeah!
Do you care to tell us what is going on back there?
Ms. Devonshire,
this woman over here is smoking cigarettes,
she's using hairspray,
and she's drinking out of a styrofoam cup!
Young woman!
What do you have to say for yourself?
Holy moley!
Malathion!
Officer, arrest that woman!
I don't think so.
I don't work for you guys.
He's just kidding, right?
Alright!
Everybody hand over your valuables
and don't try anything funny.
You first, big mouth!
I was gonna use that money
to buy a low flow shower head!
Shut up!
Let's hustle, come on come on come on.
And I'm keeping my eye on you two!
Alright everybody on the floor!
Like a job well done.
Run, everybody, run!
This way!
That's our cue, right on schedule.
Hey, would you look at that?
Like taking candy from a baby!
Look at these bins over here.
So, it's just plastic.
Yeah, but feel how heavy they are.
At 45 cents a pound,
there's a lot of money in here.
You have a point.
Help me with the money,
we'll come back for the rest later.
- Alright. - Okay.
Freeze!
Alright, get away from there!
What are you gonna stop us with?
Wait, I know my gun is in here somewhere.
Get 'em!
Get away from there!
Where is my gun?
Alright, so my bin's heavy, huh?
Devonshire!
Where are you, Devonshire?
Hold it right there!
What are you supposed to be?
I'm your exterminator.
You've got to be kidding.
You're not kidding.
Any last words?
Dodd, run, take the money and split!
Ms. Devonshire, very good!
Thank you, sir.
Samantha, what are you doing here?
Sir, I need to speak to you.
Malathion offered me this bribery money.
I was very tempted to keep it,
but something inside me just wouldn't.
Well you're very honest, Samantha.
You're very stupid!
I would have kept it.
Well I guess that's where
we're different, Melanie.
Here's a dime.
You're gonna need it where you're going.
And look what we got!
Well, very good, girls, very good!
Looks like we caught malathion
and her whole gang, didn't we?
Well we've cleaned up the city.
Once again we'll have clean air to breathe
and clean water to drink
and a clean recycling center.
Just can it already!
Yeah, most importantly our
paycheck money is safe and sound.
Samantha, I didn't expect to see you here!
She helped us capture
one of malathion's gang.
Good work, I always knew
you were on our side.
Thanks, candy.
At least somebody believed me.
Samantha, perhaps I judged you wrongly,
but you know what?
I'm gonna give you another chance.
You've got two months left in your sentence, huh?
Well I want you to take those two months
and I want you to study as hard as you can
and if you pass that entrance exam,
well then we'll put you back on the force,
now what do you say to that?
Vice trainee, hmm?
Yes sir, I'll do my best, sir!
You won't regret this.
Congratulations.
Now, get these losers out of here.
Come on!
There's a suite at the gray bar hotel
waiting for you.
No, I think you should take
them to jail, Ms. Devonshire.
Yes, sir.
No cell could hold Mel
No prison is large enough
to keep me behind bars!
No force could...
Hey, you may have already flushed
your life down the toilet,
but I am trying to study here!
So either you put a cork in it,
or I'm gonna shove my fist
so far down your throat
it'll never see daylight again, you got it?!
Yes, ma'am, I'll be quiet.
So shut up!
Well
congratulations, you made it, officer!
I did, I really did?
I can't believe it, I can't believe it!
I really did?
I knew you could do it!
Thanks.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, me too.
Commissioner, how about putting
me back on active duty now?
Well I suppose so, Ms. Devonshire.
At $5.00 an hour?
What?
It's not unreasonable.
Ms. Devonshire, $5.00 an hour, I don't know.
Alright, you can keep me at $4.60,
but you will never ever figure out
your filing system after what I have done to it, sir.
Oh, well I see your point, Ms. Devonshire.
Very well, $5.00 an hour.
Thank you, sir.
And remember, I'm worth it.
How well I know, Ms. Devonshire.
Tell me, what are you gonna do
with all that money now that
you got a raise, huh?
Well I have one plan.
You don't happen to have the number
of a good tattoo remover?